Balmain drops the ball on its handbag collection

For all their drool-worthy blazers, jeans and shoes, Balmain really dropped the ball when it came to their introductory line of handbags. For a brand that is all about edge, we were expecting something waaaay edgier than this:

Net-a-Porter offers three Balmain handbag styles: the Balmain Leo Swarovski crystal bag, Balmain original leather fringed bag and the Balmain punk suede studded bag, and all of them are pretty pathetic. The first two are simple flap messenger styles, the third - a ‘fringed’ flap messenger. There’s nothing innovative about the styles, trims, designs - nothing! A bit of studs thrown here and there, some sparse fringe trim, that’s all. Who knew Balmain could disappoint? Guess no one’s perfect.

Haute or Not: the Foley + Corinna Bar Clutch

I would think that the brand behind the iconic “City Tote” would come up with something better than this. The Foley + Corinna Bar Clutch looks like a flat black lunch bag with a gold majorette baton as a handle. Really, Foley + Corinna? Is this the best you could come up with? There’s no real design here; the bag looks cheap and highly impractical. I mean really, what can you put inside of it? And to get inside, you have to use the side zip closure. So to retrieve your things, you have to turn it sideways with the gold bar hanging from one end. And then turn it back so the gold bar and lunch bag can dangle aimlessly from your arm. What woman would want to carry it either way? Even the model looks pissed! I imagine that it would be extremely difficult to manage, plus it’s a sight for sore eyes. And the price is utterly ridiculous - $268 for this? Thanks, but no thanks - I’ll pass.

Lindsay Lohan with the Alexander Wang Denim Leather Donna Hobo

What is it with all these 80’s/90’s trends making a comeback? I lived through the 80’s and 90’s, proudly wore the bad fashions, and then promptly disposed of them afterward. Now, designers are determined to dredge up the ugly past by bringing back neon, hammer pants and now stonewashed denim! Read more

Even Pauric Sweeney Has Bad Days…

Although Pauric Sweeney remains a design ‘golden boy’ in my eyes, I couldn’t let this atrocity of a handbag pass. I know the 80’s have been making a strong comeback lately but that doesn’t mean we need to adopt ALL of the trends. Read more

Haute or Not: D&G Dolce & Gabbana ‘Waikiki Jenna’ Shoulder Bag

I seriously thought the end of the fall/winter 2008/2009 fashion season would be the end of fugly bags. I was wrong. Maybe my expectations were too high but I’ve been seeing so many beautiful spring bags lately that I just wasn’t expecting something so odd looking. The D&G Dolce & Gabbana ‘Waikiki Jenna’ Shoulder Bag has one plus since it’s in my fave color, pink, but that’s where the love ends. What is it exactly? A wristlet? A clutch? Shoulder bag? I’m really confused about how to even carry this bag - do you stick your arm through the large hole in the center? Where do you put your stuff? The hole takes up most of the bag so you can’t even really carry anything in it! And what’s with the shoulder strap?? The bag isn’t even big enough to require one. So many questions, so little interest…

Do you love it?

$1,275, NORDSTROM.com

Fendi Multicolored Patch Baguette

Fendi’s back at it. Creating fugly bags, that is. The latest piece of Fendi fug is this Multicolored Patch Baguette. Is it a bag or a ransom note? Or is it colored chalk on a chalkboard? I’m really not sure. What I am sure of is that it is hideous. Fendi seems to do hideous pretty well. It’s like they don’t even care about design anymore - they just keep using the same baguette silhouette and throwing different colors and stitching at it and see who’s dumb enough to buy it. And at $1,400, you’d have to be pretty dumb to buy or wear this.

If you happen to like it, you can buy it at Saks Fifth Avenue. Go ahead and click. We won’t judge.

Versace ‘Kiss Print’ Shopper

Just last week I applauded Versace for re-building its brand, by toning down the tacky and designing more mature and chic handbags and accessories. It appears I spoke too soon. I just came across the most tacky Versace item I have seen in a while – the Versace ‘Kiss Print’ Shopper. As much as the original Versace Kiss Crocodile Shopper was a beauty, the print version is absolutely horrid. This bag sent Versace back a good ten, twenty years. This is something I would have expected in the 80’s maybe, even into the 90’s when tacky was still taking over the fashion world. But in 2008? I don’t think so. Obviously, while everyone else’s taste levels have gone up, Versace still remains in the past. The fabric on the bag, which makes up most of the body, is printed with an array of scenes from Italy, making it look more like one of those Mona Lisa reproduction print totes you would find in the Italian airport gift shop and not at all from a high-end Italian luxury brand. The hot pink leather trim is screaming at me and mixed with the print it is all too much. Nordstrom describes it as ‘a statement-making shopper’. Yeah, and that statement would be ‘I have bad taste!’ Ugh!

Gustto Metallic Vando Bag

I’m usually a huge fan of Gustto but every now and then they create a bag that makes me shake my head. No, Gustto! What is this? It looks like some sort of strange carrying contraption. The odd straps on the Gustto Metallic Vando Bag look like tentacles, as if aliens descended on Earth and invaded Gustto’s design studio. I always find it odd when a bag’s handles are bigger than the actual bag - it messes up the fashion equilibrium or something. It’s too bad because the bag itself is actually adorable, but it’s hard to see past those weird handles. Better luck next time Gustto.

Miu Miu Cutout Bowling bag

Don’t you just hate when designers take things literally? Just because it is called a ‘bowling bag’ doesn’t mean it should really look like one! This has to be the first time I’ve been disappointed with a Miu Miu handbag. Usually I find them stunning, though incredibly simple, but still beautifully crafted and designed. But this hideous creation looks like something you might find in a sporting goods store and carried in a bowling alley by a guy named Bernie. It’s not at all ‘luxury’. The Miu Miu Cutout bowling bag is described as ‘retro chic’ and ‘mod’ but to be real, it’s just plain wretched. The bag is a horrid combination of cream, brown and black leather, with circular cutouts that somehow make the black leather appear as vinyl. The cutouts coupled with the cream leather paneling is meant to have a vintage, mod feel but the result is a simple, cheap-looking bowling bag that you’d store your bowling balls in, and not one you’d carry around proudly.

Marc by Marc Jacobs Party Girl Bow Bag

If this isn’t the most ridiculous bag I’ve ever seen, I don’t know what is. The
Marc by Marc Jacobs Party Girl Bow Bag manages to be both idiotic and impractical. All it is, really, is a bow with a chain strapped to it and called a bag. There are double zipper closures at the main openings which are practically miniscule, and the bow has tacky tulle overlaying the metallic body. The bag and the price are both ridiculous and Marc Jacobs, no matter how quirky his design aesthetic, should be ashamed to put his name on this.

Celebrity bag spotting: Jessica Simpson with the Gucci Boston bag

It’s a shame when you can’t tell the difference between a luxury bag and a cheap, celebrity-licensed brand but that’s really not my fault. It’s Gucci’s fault for designing a bag so hideous. I’m sure anyone would have guessed this bag was from the Jessica Simpson accessory collection and not the new Gucci ‘Babouska’ Large Boston Bag. The tomato-red leather, overused hardware, and front gold heart crest just spell ‘D-I-S-C-O-U-N-T’. I’m not sure what is going on at the design house of Gucci these days but since I’ve boycotted Gucci, it really doesn’t matter. When quality and design go down the drain, it’s a wrap!

Lacroix/Wireimage

Fake Handbags Are Never in Fashion…

No this is not another post about Louis Vuitton bags. This is about spending your time and energy on creative pursuits only to have someone come in and steal your work. Just like fake, knockoff handbags, plagiarism is never in fashion. Lately I’ve discovered that other ‘bloggers’ - and I use that term loosely, as real bloggers, editors and journalists understand the writing code - have been stealing my images and posts (from my blog, handbag magazine and fashion/lifestyle magazine) and re-posting them on their site as fresh, new content. I know this is not a new, unique problem but it’s happening to me more and more and while some think I should feel flattered that my work is theft-worthy, it’s incredibly frustrating to me to see my hard work stolen. I understand how designers, artists and any other creative types feel when they discover that someone else ‘repurposed’ their work for their own benefit. It’s simply wrong. It’s certainly not what’s haute. Some may say ‘It’s just blogging, it’s no big deal.” But this is my work, whether or not one considers it frivolous - it’s my thoughts, my creative process, my output, and my time. It belongs to me. Now let’s see if this post winds up on another ‘bloggers’ site.

Mulberry Milton Shoulder Bag

Mulberry is one of those handbag brands that seems to pride itself on classic luxury. So when I came across the Milton shoulder bag on Net-a-Porter’s website, I was baffled. Are fingerprinted handbags the new ‘It’ bags? The Milton looks like the leather was handled before the paint was dry, or someone put their greasy fingers on the front of the bag. It does have some redeeming qualities:

1) It has multiple outside pockets and interior compartments,
2) The seafoam green / emerald metallic leather is a beautiful hue for the summer,
3) It is a Mulberry!

However, the $1,595 for a bag that looks tarnished is only for those of you with serious disposable income. Got money to spare? Then head on over to NET-A-PORTER.COM.

Fashion Inspiration Comes From Everywhere: Jean Paul Gaultier

I never thought I’d see the day I put John Paul Gaultier on a ‘Not Haute’ list. But designing a women’s clutch inspired by men’s boxing shorts? That’s not haute. Every time I look at this clutch I feel like pulling out my boxing gloves and hitting the speedbag. Ok, he gets points for creativity but really, what woman wants to carry her stuff around in a pair of luxury satin boxing trunks?

Jean Paul Gaultier Satin Boxing Pochette, $415, eLuxury.

Burberry’s ‘Choppy’ Check Bucket Bag

I don’t blame Burberry for wanting to try something new, I really don’t. I mean, Louis Vuitton continues to come up with millions of new ways to re-design its logo and re-brand itself, so why not Burberry? But mixing up a plaid pattern is not quite the same as re-doing a logo in denim or grafitti, and this bag is looking less ‘luxury’, and more ‘Dooney‘. The Burberry Patchwork Check Bucket Bag looks like something went awry in the Burberry factory, like the patternmaking machine skipped a few beats. I know Burberry is an iconic brand and the ‘check’ pattern is as well, however there comes a time to just give it up. And Burberry, with this ‘choppy’ version of the ‘check’, I’d say that time is now.

Weekly WTF??!! Michael Kors Beverly Gator Watch Clutch

I know this bag isn’t new but it was so tacky I didn’t feel compelled to write about it before. But now that I’ve introduced the Weekly WTF category on What’s Haute, I think it’s worhy to discuss. Michael Kors must be out of his mind. He’s charging $3,000 for a Seiko watch band strapped to some gator skin? The Beverly Gator Watch Clutch is one of the worst bags I’ve seen in a while, and designers are getting bolder and bolder, thinking that the buying public is foolish enough to pay almost four grand for a joke like this. There’s really not much more to say…this bag speaks for itself.

Weekly WTF: Chloe Multicolor Saskia Clutch

Chloe Transitions Color Block Bag

Chloe couldn’t have given this bag a better name because obviously the brand is going through some transitions themselves. What is this acid-trip, rainbow connection excuse for a bag? There is nothing cute about the pleating, the confetti colors and post-it-note strip fabric pieces on the bag. Even the brown leather trim looks cheap. If I had to find something nice to say, I guess it would be the shape and the strap which converts the bag from a shoulder bag to a satchel. Oh, and the $3575 price tag. (Yeah, right).

Zac Posen’s ‘Hot Dog’ Handbag

Why oh why did a brilliant designer like Zac Posen create this hideous bag? He’s the king of brilliantly draped dresses and one of the few designers whose entire debut handbag line impressed me, and now he has ruined it all with this! Is it a hot dog or a handbag? The bag might actually be cute if it were a wristlet or even a handheld clutch, but the oversized handles throw it off completely. And the patent strap that comes over the bag is also way too long - it almost wraps around the entire bag! The proportions are totally off and for a designer who seems to understand body proportions so well, I am extremely disappointed with this purse. The price for this hot dog handbag: $1,100!!! My advice is take the money and go buy some Zac Posen ready-to-wear now available at eLUXURY.com.

Check out more Zac Posen Handbags online at eLUXURY.com

Barney’s Blanket Bucket Satchel

When you shop at a high-end store like Barney’s, you tend to have high-end expectations, right? I would think that if Barney’s chose to create private label handbags, they’d be so fabulous you’d think they were handmade creations designed by some premier Italian designer. So when I saw this Barney’s branded creation that looks ‘inspired’ by Bert from Sesame Street and a British fire bucket, I was, to say the least, highly disgusted. The Blanket Bucket Satchel is one of the ugliest excuses for a bag that I’ve ever seen. If curiosity is your thing and you want to know more about this fug bag, click the link. Otherwise, if you’re as disgusted as me, don’t even waste your time.

$595, Barneys.com

Chloe’s Craft Project

I learned how to crochet in 5th grade in my home economics class and thought it was the coolest thing to make granny squares (yes that once was cool). But that was then, and this is 2007. Are granny squares really what’s haute right now? The Chloe Katie embroidered bag looks like a craft project you find in some old bin in your grandmother’s attic, except that this craft project costs $1,670.

The body of the bag is actually leather, but you can’t see it because it’s covered with that hideous wool embroidery on the front and back, and the shoulder strap is a long chain strap doesn’t even match the ugly exterior of the bag. Nothing about this bag makes it worth buying, not even the Chloé nameplate on the front.

Moncler’s Haute Couture Soccer Ball

What is this? Is it a soccer ball or a handbag? Or is it a handbag dressed as a soccer ball? It is Halloween, after all. This is definitely one of the most hideous bags I’ve ever seen. The top handles and frame have a classic appeal, but then you go lower and see the rest of this atrocity. This bag is stuffed with 100% duvet which makes it way too bulky even without anything inside it; imagine filling it up with stuff - how awful would it look then? It really does look like a slighty deflated ball…I don’t know whether to carry it or kick it!

Moncler Large Padded Bag, £545.00, Brown’s

What A Joke!

The luxury houses seem to be on a downward spiral. Fendi is producing nothing buy fugly bags, and Louis Vuitton seems to be competing with them for the title. LV collaborated with controversial painter Richard Prince to create the ‘Joke’ Bag for it’s Spring ‘08 runway show. This hideous python-trimmed bag, along with others from the show, feature a combination of Prince’s spray-painting technique and jokes from comedian Henny Youngman.

Here’s a few of the jokes on the bag:

My wife is always asking for money. $200 one day, $150 the next, $125 after that. “That’s crazy”, my friend said. “What does she do with it? “I don’t know”, I said. “I never gave her any.”

Every time I meet a girl who can cook like my mother…She looks like my father.

My wife went to the beauty shop and got a mud pack. For two days she looked beautiful. Then the mud fell off.

I’ve been married for thirty years and I’m still in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me.

I say if you buy it, the joke’s on you. What do you think of this bag - haute or not?

Check out some of the other jokes bags from the Spring 2008 collection:

Source

And The Fendi Fug Goes On…

One thing I can always count on is my love hate affair with Fendi. Fendi always gets me up, and then always lets me down. I so long for the days when ‘Fendi’ wasn’t synonymous with ‘fugly’; the days of the classic double F’s, the simple striped shoulder bags, and high quality leather. Now it seems Fendi is on a quest to outdo itself with ugly bags, season after season. Here’s what I found for Fall:

Clockwise from top left
To You Embellished Convertible Bag, $5,040
Large Sequin Spy Bag, $4,890
Raffia Chef Bag, $880
Forever Sequined Borsa, $760

Are you kidding with these bags Fendi? As a handbag designer/buyer/addict and Fendi owner, I am so disappointed with these pieces of scrap leather and fabric you call luxury handbags. And I can’t even believe you expect anyone to pay these prices for such non-luxurious items. I continue to ask, what has become of Fendi and what will become of Fendi? I can’t imagine that anyone in their right mind would find any of this crap appealing enough to buy, let alone carry, but I guess a bag is a bag, so if you build it give it away, they will carry it:

Three’s a Crowd

Coco Chanel once said something like “put everything on and then take one thing off.”

Luxury jewelry designer Kara Ross creates elegantly beautiful pieces full of precious gems, wood, gold and diamonds. I think her jewels are the perfect pieces to accompany you on an haute night out, that is, if you can afford them. Her recently launched line of handbags however, needs to heed Coco’s advice.

The Lucis Clutch is a particularly overdone bag. Three different types of animal skin make up this clutch! I mean, it is only a clutch. If it were a larger bag, maybe it would look less ‘busy’, but the three skins are definitely a ‘crowd’. The body is constructed of leopard pony skin, trimmed in red ostrich skin, and finished off with a front pocket made of brown caiman skin. I can’t imagine where or why you might carry this bag, though the upside is with all of the colors, its bound to match something in your closet.

If you’re a fan of aesthetic excess, visit Kara Ross’ website. Prices range from $1,600-$7,800.

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